EMPATH: The Luckiest Smurf
"Reporter's Inside Stories: An Interview With Vanity Smurf"
Story by Vic George
Based on the Smurf concept of characters by Peyo
Vanity admiring the love of his life

Reporter: In my interview with Hefty, he was pretty vocal about certain male Smurfs exhibiting behaviors that he would consider terribly "unsmurfy" -- among them, Vanity smurfing an obsession for what he called "beautiful things". In fact, the very Smurf that today's interview is about has been so obsessed with "beautiful things" over the course of his whole life, with himsmurf being prime above all such things, that it has made other Smurfs start to wonder what's smurfing on with him. Is he really desiring to smurf a relationship with another male Smurf, as some are even hinting with their comments about Vanity? Or is he just simply madly in love with himsmurf? Today we're going to smurf him inside his photosmurfing studio where he's been smurfing pictures with Handy's photosmurfer.

(Reporter enters Vanity's house to find him posing in front of the camera, constantly switching poses as the photosmurfer flashes, capturing each pose. The sound of what sounds like Vanity singing "I'm Too Smurfy" can be heard loudly playing in the background.)

Vanity: Reporter, you're just right on time. Smurf a minute while I smurf the last shots!

(Reporter waits and watches as the photosmurfer captures the last few poses of Vanity. He then steps away from the hot lights and the backdrop to grab a towel and a glass of water to drink before turning off the music and the hot lights.)

Vanity: Whew...I never thought posing for my photosmurfer would be such an exhausting thing to do. I only hope the pictures smurf out better than my last poses of mysmurf.

Reporter: Smurfs like ever since you smurfed your hands on Handy's photosmurfer, you've been using it nonstop -- smurfing pictures of every single event that's happened, group pictures, portrait pictures, and lots of pictures of yoursmurf on top of all that.

Vanity: This thing's been a handy little device, Reporter, especially for someone who smurfs so much about glamour and beauty and fashion -- something that not many Smurfs seem to appreciate. Painter is smurfticularly jealous of the photosmurfer because it just smurfs up beautiful pictures in an instant, but Sculptor doesn't mind it because it helps him smurf up better statues than he's ever smurfed with his chisel. And Smurfette just adores how it captures all her beautiful flower arrangements in the village.

Reporter: Mind if I ask you how you got into smurfing beautiful things, smurfticularly with yoursmurf?

Vanity: I think it all got started when I was just a baby Smurf, when my Papa Smurf smurfed a mirror into my crib, and I smurfed one look at mysmurf and wondered, "Who is that Smurf who's smurfing at me? He's just so adorable!" My Papa Smurf just loved to smurf beautiful things in and around our house, as he would spend hours just smurfing for the right colors and patterns for the curtains and the walls and the dishes and such. My Mama Smurf just couldn't smurf enough of whatever my Papa Smurf smurfed for her and me, as she would always be dressed in her finest clothes that my Papa Smurf smurfed for her. And speaking of flowers...you couldn't smurf in the door of our house without being surrounded by flowers! It's a good thing my Papa and Mama Smurf weren't allergic to them, because they loved flowers so much!

Reporter: Guess that a good deal of his fellow Smurfs weren't very fond of his obsmurfion for beautiful things, too.

Vanity: (sighs) Ah, well, that's just how it is for most male Smurfs -- they're just so into male Smurf things like sports and machinery and getting themsmurfs all dirty with physical work, they don't have the time or patience to deal with things that don't smurf into their lifestyle. Hefty and Handy's Papa Smurf was perhaps the most disapproving of whatever my Papa Smurf smurfed as a vocation because he always made fun of him, smurfing him as the biggest sissy that ever smurfed among other male Smurfs. But then came that dreadful disease that smurfed away all our parents except for Uncle Cully, who never smurfed anything bad about my Papa Smurf. He smurfed over as Papa Smurf and treated me just like I was one of his own little Smurfs, though he never smurfed much about beautiful things the way my Papa Smurf did. I guess with so much that was on his smurfs, being the Papa Smurf to nearly a hundred other Smurfs, I could undersmurf why he wouldn't.

Reporter: What did you think of Empath when he first smurfed into the village, Vanity?

Vanity: I thought that he smurfed very uncomfortable being a male Smurf, Reporter. I mean, how could anyone be a male Smurf and not feel comfortable smurfing around in just a hat and pants? Of course, I didn't know that that was just how he was smurfed in Psychelia, as if smurfing around in just a hat and pants was a bad thing for anyone. Anyway, I try to smurf him that he shouldn't be ashamed of his own natural beauty, because that's what nature smurfed him as. I didn't try to push him into smurfing anything that would make him feel like he rather would smurf back to Psychelia smurfing those bodysuits that hide his smurfy figure from everyone. In time, though, Empath became more comfortable about being a Smurf and just letting himsmurf be seen in just a hat and pants, and sometimes he would smurf time looking at himsmurf in the mirror like I usually do in the day, just examining the wonderful Smurf that he is born as.

Reporter: And nowadays, what do you think of Empath with all that's smurfened to him -- the star-patterned suit, the revelation of Papa Smurf being his father, and his smurfing around with Smurfette for two years straight?

Vanity: First off, I truly adore Empath's new star-patterned suit, and I love that he smurfs it on a daily basis, though I wish he wouldn't wear that dark blue shirt! Secondly, I feel Empath has the right to know who his Papa Smurf really was, even if he smurfed the worst thing of smurfing him to that awful place called Psychelia. And thirdly, I think Empath and Smurfette are like two smurfs in a pod -- they just can't smurf enough of being around each other like they really want to smurf forever together. Empath's been helping Smurfette smurf beyond hersmurf in a lot of things, mainly with her album Ray Of Sunshine, which I think is the best album I ever smurfed from her. And that dress she smurfed on that cover -- it's just makes her smurf so beautiful in a way that smurfs can't describe!

Reporter: So you're not smurfing jealous that her album's smurfing attention away from your biggest hit, "I'm Too Smurfy"?

Vanity: How could I ever be jealous of Smurfette smurfing anything like that? Her singing is just so heavenly! I only wish I could be her backup singer on her next album, or perhaps maybe smurf a duet with her of some old showtune that Tapper, Sweepy, Barber, and Miner like to sing in their Barber Smurf Quartet. I could smurf along with her music for ages!

Reporter: There's been rumors smurfing around the village that your obsmurfion with beautiful things, including yoursmurf above all, is just a cover for the "fact" that you actually desire to smurf a relationship with another male Smurf. Is there anything you like to smurf about that, Vanity?

Vanity: Only that those Smurfs are just so ridiculously wrong, because the only true love that I smurf in my life is mysmurf! Hefty is probably the worst when it comes to smurfing around this rumor, since he likes to smurf himself as "the only true Smurf" in the village with his obsmurfion for weight-smurfing and playing sports and those tattoos that he likes to smurf on his arms, like that's supposed to impress anyone. It's not like I don't like to smurf myself into shape and smurf the right kind of foods to help smurf this body healthy, but I don't smurf that like Hefty does to smurf an impression upon anyone. I just smurf that to keep myself smurfing beautiful for the one Smurf I truly care about.

Reporter: How about your friend Periwinkle the pixie? You two surely like to smurf time together with each other.

Vanity: We're just good friends, Reporter. She's already involved with someone that she truly loves, and I won't smurf anything to get in the way of that relationship! All that smurfs on between us is just sharing beauty tips with each other. One time she shared with me her "pheromone cologne" that's supposed to make the one you love besmurf very attracted to you, and I was going to try it out when Empath smurfed me that it would make me too attractive to everyone else, and I didn't want that since I only wanted mysmurf to fall in love with me, so I smurfed the cologne to Papa Smurf, hoping that he would smurf it safe away from me.  Of course, I didn't know Papa Smurf was still smurfing feelings of love for Smurfette -- which I smurfonally don't feel is right for Papa Smurf to feel because of their age differences -- so he used the cologne on himself, and it somehow smurfed him into that ugly muscular brute that was after Smurfette!  Nowadays I'm more careful with what I smurf as far as my beauty regimen smurfs, even from my friends, since I still remember the time when I was smurfed into a blue Wartmonger.

Reporter: And what's been smurfing on with your "mirror brother" Century -- the one Smurf so named because he was the "hundredth Smurf" that somehow emerged from being a reflection of yoursmurf?

Vanity: Me and Century smurf along like we've known each other for a very long time, which in a sense we have since we used to be the same person. But Century likes to smurf fighting while I'd rather smurf loving, and he smurfs time with Empath practicing with quarterstaffs. He's a very skilled fighter, that he even smurfed Empath off a log one time when they were smurfing over the River Smurf. Of course, Empath lost his memory that time and we had to smurf after him when he was smurfnapped by some humans and became the Bandit Smurf. And then we had Princess Sapphire come to smurf with us for a while when she lost her memory and thought that she was Smurfette, until she smurfed Century and Empath doing fighting practice with each other and smurfed right into the middle and smurfed Century right on his smurf!

Reporter: Ouch -- that made every Smurf think Smurfette was able to smurf every Smurf right on their smurfs! (Laughs.)

Vanity: Well, I'd rather leave the fighting to the other Smurfs, because I don't want anything to smurf up this beautiful face and this beautiful body! It would totally ruin my modeling career if I had to smurf tooth and nail with somebody itching to smurf a fight with me!

Reporter: I just wonder, Vanity, what would you do if this village of mostly male Smurfs discovers a village of mostly female Smurfs someday?

Vanity: I honestly don't know, Reporter. If there's a beautiful female Smurf who cares about beauty and glamour and fashion just as much as I do -- who knows what might happen? She would have to be the kind of Smurf I'd gladly smurf up my mirror for, just to smurf every moment being around such a ravishing creature. Smurfonally, I hope there's a female Smurf for every male Smurf in this village, even for someone like Grouchy, who smurfs like the most unpleasant Smurf for any Smurf to be around. And maybe there's even someone for Papa Smurf to help him smurf by in his advancing years, like that Flowerbell who smurfed us a visit one time to smurf his heart.

Reporter: One final thought, before we close -- do you still think that a Smurf without a hat is not a Smurf at all, given that Sassette currently smurfs around with a big ponytail and no hat?

Vanity: I don't think Sassette is not a Smurf because of that, if that's what you mean. Given that she's still just a young Smurfling since she's been frozen in a crystal for 100 years before being smurfed out of there, I think that my opinion can be somewhat flexible in regards to her. She's been wanting to be like one of the male Smurfs for so long, I'm surprised that she would now want to smurf more like Smurfette and smurf a big ribbon in her hair instead of just smurfing around in braids. The boy Smurflings like to tease her for that, but frankly I like what she wants to smurf with herself lately. As for mysmurf, though -- I just don't think I'd look too smurfy without a hat with one of my flowers on it!

Reporter: (chuckles at the thought) Neither would any of us male Smurfs, Vanity. Thanks for letting me interview you!

Vanity: It's been such a pleasure, Reporter! (Turns to his mirror and kisses his reflection.)

NOTE: Vanity is voiced in the cartoon show by Alan Oppenheimer

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